I'd hit it. With a 2x4. Then let her sit for six minutes. Then I'd hit with my penis.

Total butterface, tits aren't that great either. Fix those and take a little flab off the waistline, then we'll talk.

So, did anyone else read this thread and think of "137 things Shinji is no longer allowed to do at NERV?" (if you don't understand the meme, try Googling for "Skippy's List")

"I am not allowed to call-block my chain of command."
"I cannot 'Form Blazing Sword.'"
"I am not allowed to say 'KAMEHAMEHAAAAAAAAAA' while the Antiproton Rifle charges."
"Unit-01's loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries.'"
"We do not 'charge into battle naked, like the Celts.'"
"I am not allowed to call press conferences to announce that we're raising the battleship Yamato and turning it into a spaceship to attack the Angels."
"It is NOT 'Morphin' Time.'"

Of course, Shinji would never actually do any of these things. But doesn't that make it even funnier?

"I am not allowed to gain martial arts abilities when in the entry plug."
"I am not gonne anyone pay for that."
"It is not clubbering time."
"My spidey-sense is not tingling."
"I am not picking up bad vibes."
"I will make big gay speeches."
"I am not Batman."
"I will not be open about my feelings to Asuka or Ayanami."
"I will not take advantage and jump Misato in her moment of weakness."
"I will not not beat off to comatose girls."
"All your bases are not belong to us."
"I cannot say "mission accepted" or "mission accomplished" so Heero can relax about that."
"I will not grow a spine outta nowhere."

I believe that covers many of the traditional fanfiction nonsense.

Yeah, but those mostly aren't funny.

I am imagining the NGE credits redone as a sort of homage to "The Simpsons" opening. Camera zooms in on Shinji as he is writing on a blackboard something different each episode:

"Dr. Akagi is not dense and I am not the goddamn Batman."
"Pen-Pen is not my Padawan and the Force is not strong in him."
"I will stop asking Dr. Akagi to build an Evangelion-sized drill that can 'pierce the heavens.'"
"I will also stop asking for a Progressive Crowbar."
"My hand is not burning with an awesome power, nor is it telling me to defeat you."
"Pallet rifle ammunition is not filled with yummy candy, and it was wrong to tell the Second Child that it is."
"I am not allowed to put bumper stickers on Unit-01, no matter how clever they are."
"I am not authorized to duct-tape five tons of steel wool to the lower half of Unit-01's face and rename it 'Chuck Norris.'"

"Semen does not react well to LCL"
"Asuka's stolen panties are not to be used as legal tenders in the dining hall."
"I am not to accept the Angels's offer of a Hurtz Donut."
"He who smelt it most certainly did not dealt it."
"I will not use the Eva to replicate Gendo's hands-over-mouth pose and glower the Angel to death."
"The rumors about Dr. Akagi's bicurious phase in college are untrue."
"I will stop wasting chalk by writing lines over and over."

"I will not comment on the commander's lame white glove style."
"The rumors about how quiet ones are wild does not apply to the First Child."
"I will not demand another color for my EVA."
"I will not demand respect and compassion."
"I will not demand payment for my services."
"I will not replace the Second Child's A-10 hairpins with cat ears."
"My mother would not be disgusted with the commander's decisions."
"The reasons for the super sexy female plugsuits is above my paygrade."
"I will not go on about my atheistic beliefs to the human resources department."

"I will refrain from humping the severed heads of Angels, at least while the news camera teams are present."
"I will not use Unit-01's hands to flip people off."
"Pants are not optional."
"SURPRIZE BUTTSECKS is not the official NERV battle cry."
"Neither is SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, and painting Unit-01 blue won't change this fact."
"It isn't IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER, either."
"Today is not 'Talk Like a Pirate Day.'"
"I am not to tell reporters that the Illuminati, the Masons, or 'Giant Space Ants' are part of our chain of command."

"I will not mistake Misato's birth control pills for aspirin."
"I will not sniff the seats of the First and Second Children's entry plugs."
"I will stop regaling the bridge bunnies with tales of my days at sea."
"My Warhammer figurines do not talk to me."
"I do not get regular sex from the EVA and my mother during sync tests."
"LCL is not a contraceptive."
"I will stop telling Asuka how terrible her German is."
"I will stop making puns between bread and panties in the cafeteria."
"I am not to play Soul Education in the presence of Gendo anymore."
"I will stop going on about how much I'd like to bang Sohryu-san and Shikinami-teme at the same time."

"I am not authorized to rename Tokyo-3 'Strongbadia.'"
"Also, I am not to paint yellow polka dots on Pen-Pen and introduce him as 'The Cheat.'"
"I am not to shave crescent-moon shaped bald patches onto the foreheads of Dr. Akagi's cats."
"Even if Mr. Kaji agrees it's funny."
"In fact I should remember that if Mr. Kaji thinks it's funny, in all likelihood it is a bad idea."
"I am not to offer Tang to the First Child and then giggle."
"I am not to tell the news media that Unit-01 is a Gundam."
"It is not appropriate to blame poor synch test scores, or anything else, on 'Minovsky interference.'"
"I must never, ever say 'And I'll form the head!'"

I will stop asking Ritsuko to front me more roofies.
I will not keep asking Asuka if she is still on the rag.
I will stop asking Rei if there are any more like her still in the tank.
I will stop asking Maya how she gets the nicotine stains off her panties.
I will stop posting Hikari's name on amputee fetish sites.
I will stop painting blue lines on Misato's home pregnancy test strips.
I will stop spreading rumors about Mr. Kaji's genital warts.

"Playing 'For Those About To Rock (We Salute You) whenever Gendo shoots someone was funny the first time."

But Misato just can't hack it.